Taters Are Hicks

Here is a starchy tour de force. Good writing, too.

Elan Mudrow


Baked potatoes are stoners

Spud is a good guy to have a beer with

and watch the game,

But when the conversation

Gets serious or sad

He must be composted.

Pringles are prissy thin little wankers

Fingerling potatoes play with themselves.

Russets are bores

Unless you do the mash potato with them.

Curly fries think they’re so damn cute.

Sweet potatoes lie all the time

Just ask a yam.

Taters are hicks.

I wonder how many potatoes

Were scalloped by Indians?

Au gratin can get a little cheesy

Do potato skins need a dermatologist to cook them?

Shoestring potatoes can trip you up

French fries are freaks!

Ketchup, salt, vinegar, mustard, ranch, etc.

Voila, they’ve done them all.

Chips have something fishy about them.

Hash browns are grease balls

Ruffles have wrinkles

Poor guys.

Is potato salad really a salad?

I mean c’mon.

You could live on one bowl for…

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